So sorry for being AWOL for the past 5 months. I slowly recovered from the OHSS and the clinic advised me to contact them as soon as my cycle came back. Up until August it had not reappeared. Hubby and I had previously discussed having the frozen transfer towards the end of September, we had a holiday booked and thought it would be good to come back refreshed , rested and ready to go, but something was not sitting right with me, you know when you have that niggle in your brain, that voice that you try and ignore, when you pretend you want one thing but that little voice is saying no you don’t ? Well that is what was happening to me. I had just had enough, I was over my body letting me down, two miscarriages, two embabies in the freezer after my body again let me down with the OHSS, I felt ugly, the weight I had gained with the OHSS I was struggling to shift, I just wanted it all to do one. Hubby kept asking about the transfer and if I had called the clinic to sort out the appointment about my cycle not coming back, I kept making excuses.
Its the worst feeling ever not being on the same page as your partner, throughout our 7 years we have always been on the same path together wanted our lives to go the same way and wanted the same things for our life so it scared the hell out of me that maybe this time we weren’t , I was worried what it would do, the impact it would have once I said those words. In the end it came out in such a weird way, we were driving back from food shopping and hubby said “are you going to ring the clinic about your periods” and I said “yes I will soon” and he said “no you won’t you have been making excuses for weeks whats wrong?” . It all came out how I just didn’t feel invested into having a baby anymore, that I feel its me that is letting us down and I have had enough of being prodded, poked to be deflated and I don’t think I could mentally handle the embabies not taking, it would be too much for me to deal with. I explained that I am not saying never I am just saying not right now, can we take a break let my body heal, let us be us and not that couple that had 2 miscarriages, that couple that are having IVF, can we just be us again. Hubby agreed, I could tell he was disappointed but his concern was that we may regret not having a baby in the future. I reassured him that I am just saying lets just rest who knows how I will feel in a year, he was upset I had not told him but understood my concerns about us not being on the same page and he said he did feel the same at the moment, he was great and told me he loves me for me not for whether we have a baby or not .
So there we are , I have gone back on the pill, we have booked a holiday to Disney World for next year, I have gone back to work full time. Working part time served its purpose for our life at the time but again I felt like something has died in me for the past year or so , like I didn’t add value to our marriage , like I couldn’t add value to friendships, like I was living in this childless woman bubble, I put too much pressure on myself and especially my friendships, getting irritated by people not putting the same effort into contact that I did but this was due to me having the time to do it, I have realised this now I am constantly busy ! I started to resent my friends that did “mummy” things and didn’t invite me, I started to become bitter and this was due to having time on my hands.
I have been back working full time for 3 months now and hubby says I have my spark back we are in an amazing place with our amazing puppies and great family and friends. I have been healthy eating and lost nearly a stone, I feel like the old me again. Its ironic that I am writing this on the last day of baby loss awareness week. I will be lighting my candle at 7pm tonight for our babies that we never got to hold and for all the angels in the sky.
So for now as the picture says its time to pause , breathe, repair my universe and proceed.
Thanks for reading
Searching for a positive 