Author: searchingforapositive

We had our scan yesterday, I was impressed that we were seen on a bank holiday but as the consultant said you cant control the hormones! Don’t we know it !

We were both feeling relaxed about the scan as originally they had said egg collection would be on the Friday after the Monday.  The Dr scanned me and looked at the right ovary first, I could see immediately that there was not a lot of big follicles, she counted 4 and said they were all around 7mm , she went over to the right ovary and I could see they were a bit bigger, she counted 6 and they were around 10mm. The Dr advised my womb lining is around 4mm and they would like it to be 6mm, she was quite vague and when I probed for more info she was non committal,I think it was because they do not like to commit too much as the body changes all the time. She said egg collection would be Friday at the earliest and to come back in 48 hours for another scan.

In the car hubby and I were talking it over and even though we are where they expected us to be we felt a bit deflated as we had hoped we would be further ahead , human nature to always be in front!

I have been blown away by how many people have been reading this blog and supporting us, every prayer and positive thought is welcomed. Fertility Network UK also featured the blog which was amazing and if one person can find comfort or help in the blog then it makes it even more worthwhile.

I will updated after the scan tomorrow.

I asked hubby if he would write a blog post for this page, he was a bit hesitant at first but I feel its important that the man gets a voice too, there are so many help pages for women, leaflets for women etc but not very many for the men so here it is:

“Few things about me:
I am not a man of terribly many words
I am definitely not a man who likes talking about personal things
I have an inherent fear of needles (however would like to point out that the bruising from my blood test was extreme – it was like she took my blood with a battle axe).
So I was not completely over-the-moon with excitement when my wife asked me to create something for her blog. But, like most things on the journey we are going through, I cannot complain about anything (except needles) so here goes.
Miscarriage. What a shitty word.
I remember first reading it when we had our first visit to the early pregnancy unit during our first pregnancy. It was up there on this massive poster, explaining how 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Considering where we were sitting at the time, I was not sure it was the best place for that poster. But thinking about our experiences with the NHS (apart from the ACU), the positioning of that poster was actually quite an appropriate reflection of the NHS.
The miscarriages we have had are without doubt the most horrible things we have ever experienced. Having a miscarriage is an unbelievably harrowing experience for a couple to go through and it really disappoints me how little gets said about them or the lack of support for people. I spent hours (probably days) looking for answers, support, solace, pretty much anything. Your entire world collapses but there is such a huge misunderstanding / misconception around them, that you get answers like ‘it is natures way of dealing with things’. Trust me, that is not want you want to hear.
I still get really upset when I think about what has happened. Those days will stay with me forever and I do think about them quite a lot. Especially during this journey. There is a continual fear that sits with you, it knaws away at you. ‘Will it happen again?’. And what makes it even worse is it that could happen again and you know there is nothing you can do about it. As one doctor put it ‘you just need to keep rolling to dice’. Not sure how many more throws are left.
The other shitty part of this journey is how useless you feel as a guy. Apart from a little ‘me time’ (cue more complaining), you are a spectator in the game. You have to deal with becoming a bystander and that has been a struggle for me. You are not the one having the injections, the scans, the drugs and the side effects that come with them. You are not the one who has to go through everything in the process – and most of the process seems pretty shitty. You just hope that the end result makes it all worth it.
As we approach the critical stage of the process, who knows what will happen. I suppose you just have to try and focus on the positives (I have a great app which helps). Whatever happens, I live my live by a simple mantra – ‘everything happens for a reason’, and am really holding onto that and have everything crossed that this could be our time. But you know what, if it is not our time, we will deal with that together.”

I have just about recovered from our party,  it was such a great time and I was so blessed to be with all my best friends, drinking bubbles and dancing. These girls get me and I would be lost without them, each of them in their own way is a major support from a little emoji text, to a hug saying you got this it all makes the difference.

I had a blood test yesterday to check the FSH levels,  I had to be at the hospital for 730am so a yawny start for me!

Nurse L called me at lunchtime to advise my hormone levels were borderline so if I could double the concentration of the FSH injection, she advised that due to my age and egg reserve they was always going to start me on the lower dose as they did not want to over stimulate straight away. I feel ok about it , I do not see it as a negative just a booster is needed.

Hubby went away for business on Monday and I felt quite vulnerable this time around, I think because he has been doing the injections for me plus the hormones have been making me extra sensitive! I cried at a TV advert yesterday!

I did my injections on my own for the first time and got in such a tizz, the dogs were sat right beside me like my cheerleaders . I mucked up the needles and got in a right state ! I took a moment and did it slowly , step by step.

The next day hubby skyped me and watched me do it, he is such an encouragement and my absolute rock. I felt more confident then! My mum came over the next day and was there to help too , I think she got a bit upset, it must be hard for her to see me going through all this, she was utterly broken by the two miscarriages, she said its her one job to protect her children and felt so helpless. When you go through this you forget how it impacts those around you.

When I had to double dose my sister in law was here, I again am lucky to have such a great relationship with her, she watched me do the injections and said how brave I was which was just what I needed !

I had not had any extra side effects of the FSH until last night, my head was pounding and I have felt so sick since last night. Lets hope its practice for morning sickness

This time last year I was pregnant which means the anniversary of us losing Jelly Bean is approaching. I cannot help but reflect but am trying to not let my brain tell me its going to happen again and that this is 3rd time lucky! You just got to keep swimming….

Scan is booked for Monday.

Have a lovely weekend

 

Freshly back from our mini break we had our scan appointment. We are both feeling really refreshed and positive . The meds are still the same making me feel like I have lost a stone in sweat so there is a plus !

Nurse L is on leave so Nurse M scanned me, she showed me both ovaries and said that they are both dormant which is exactly what they should be doing, my womb lining has thinned down to 2.7ml which again is where it should be so she was happy for me to start the next stage with the stimulating drugs. YAY!

We left the scanning room and went into the consulting room where Nurse M showed me how to draw up the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) medication, its a bit more complex as you have to draw up liquid and mix with powder, she also injected it into a cushion to show me that its a bit more tougher on the syringe which was good to know.

Nurse M wrote out a date list which was really helpful and showed the timelines . I start the FSH in two days along with my current injection . I go for a blood test 5 days in to check if the dosage is correct and then all going to plan I have a scan booked in for 1st May to check how the follicles are progressing  then its either two routes, egg collection could happen two days later and transfer two days after that , the second route is scan 1st May, scan again two days later and egg collection two days after that with transfer the following Monday. All becoming real now and we are both quite nervous and trying to ignore the creeping negative thoughts and doubts !

Nurse M advised we needed up to date bloods done so filled out my form , hubby is away next week so she said he needed his taken today, now if you have read my previous posts you will know hubby is a complete needle phobe! So this caught him off guard , I could tell he desperately wanted to start complaining but I gave him the look!

We booked our scan appointments in and went off to the blood test department. As we were walking hubby kept glancing at me, I know my husband too well and could tell he was biting his tongue,  I told him ” if you so much as utter one negative word about getting your bloods done I will smack you one ” .  He smiled a strained smile at that !

We had to wait 30 minutes for the blood tests and I was teasing him lots . When he was done I said to him loudly “did you get a well done sticker for being a brave boy” Such a supportive wife ! When we got outside I said to him “ok let it out”, and he was off ,”it hurt soooooo much, she was so rough, I have bruising, my whole arm aches .”

It was quite humorous and took the edge off of anything negative we were feeling, however he did moan about it for the rest of the day and even as I write now he is asking me to tell you all how much it still hurts!

We have a BBQ planned tomorrow with our close friends and cannot wait, we are so lucky to have such supportive people around us and what better way to celebrate the first hurdle!

 

 

I thought I would do an update as the side effects have now taken hold.

I think its safe to say I am in full down regulation mode, down regulation is  the shutting down of the pituitary-ovarian hormones and turns off my ovaries temporary so the Doctors have full control and  a clean slate as such. I am having lots of difficulty sleeping and when I do get off I wake up in full night sweat mode! The headaches are an every couple of hours occurrence .

Today I also got my period, I was not prepared for this at all and it was not explained to me that this would happen, so when I found I was bleeding I panicked a bit, I shouted out to hubby which was a bad move as this bought back a lot of memories from our past miscarriage (when you are pregnant and you tell your husband you are bleeding its the worst feeling in the world)  So I composed myself and thought logically, I had a look at the fact sheet they hospital gave me with the list of meds and the side effects and I have every side effect for the buserelin one of which is bleeding.Further to this I also have a book a friend gave me called Zita West’s guide to Fertility and Assisted Conception so I had a look in there and it says after around 7 days of down regulation I should get my period and then 3-5 days after that I should be booked in for a scan, which makes sense as to why I have my follow up booked in the day it has been. I am going to call the clinic anyway to check but am slightly (very) irritated that I was not told this by my Nurse as I was freaked out for a while. The cramps are unreal and it making me feel quite exhausted!

We are off on a mini break tomorrow for a couple of days so I plan to chill out ! I have also made April my month of drinking , Nurse L said I could drink on the drugs and hey it may be the last time I drink for a while so bring on the bubbles!

Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy the pic above it shows my current state !

 

I thought I would wait a few days before updating on how the injections are going.

Hubby kindly offered to do the first one, “just dart it in” I told him,  well obviously he decided to ignore me as usual and it was like slow motion! Hence a little bubble of blood after and now a sexy bruise ! So the next day I decided to do it myself, in theory it sounds easy, the reality is its really hard to inject yourself, you hesitate which is natural apparently but then that leads to stinging ouch ! Nurse L made it look so easy !

No bad side effects apart from my body temperature goes up and down and even worse at night! This drug puts you in a menopausal like state which is why you get the sweats etc and the moods oooo I am a grouch ! Quite irritable at silly things so am enhancing my inner calm and trying not to be Queen moo bag to hubby !

I wont update every day on these injections as it will hopefully be plain sailing and will be quite boring but if anything does occur I will report back.

Have a lovely Easter Break !

I woke up feeling quite nervous this morning. I think the thought of injecting myself scares me, the thought of putting my body through a month or so of hormones scares me, the embryo not taking scares me, the possibility of miscarrying again scares me. I am having a big fat scaredy cat day which is not like me at all ! I think the pressure of letting everyone down again if I miscarry is weighing on my mind a lot .

We arrived at the ACU and met our fertility nurse, lets call her Nurse L,  when we sat down I asked her if there was an option to have PGD testing. Pre-implantation genetic diagnosis is where the embryos are tested prior to transfer to check for chromosome issues. There are two common misconceptions with IVF, the first is that it guarantees pregnancy- it doesn’t , you have the same odds as falling pregnant naturally and the second misconception is that you will have a “normal” baby which again is not true. The embryos are graded and they will only put the best looking in but this doesn’t tell us if the embryo has any chromosome issues such as downs syndrome etc. Some private clincs offer PGD and I had hoped we could pay the ACU to do it but Nurse L advised that its not something they have the facilities for and if we wanted it done we would have to pay for the whole thing privately.  After having two miscarriages and finding out the second was down to chromosome abnormalities this is something we were hoping we could have.  Anyway it is what it is and we have to be positive. Hubby was a deflated when we found this out, I think he is so worried about me putting my body through so much again for potentially more heart break but we must not think like that !

Nurse L showed me how to draw up the medication and inject myself, all pretty straight forward and no side effects as of yet.

We had my 9 year old cousin over for a sleepover and movie and we watched Storks, its an animated movie about a baby delivery service and was quite touching, if only it were that easy, write a letter , get a baby delivered. It was quite fitting for the moment, kids movies have such a lovely undertone and I shed a tear at the end !

We will get our delivery!

I will update after my first self administered injection!

Scaredy cat signing off !

 

I received the delivery of the medication that will be needed over the next few weeks. As you can imagine due to the cost you cannot go to your local pharmacy and pick up all the medication you need. The company were great, they called me and arranged a time that suited me.

When I opened the box I was taken aback by the amount of meds there were and all the needles !  I totally panicked when I saw the huge green needles and thought where is that going to go ! However, my friend who is a nurse calmed me down by advising the big needle is to draw up the medication and the smaller one is to administer .

The ACU have not gone through what each medication is for so it is really intimidating and has irritated me a bit . So what did I do? I did what I do best… google!

Here is the meds list and what they do:

Buserelin is a GnRH agonist used to temporarily ‘switch off’ your ovaries, allowing the next stage to proceed without the risk of your ovaries spontaneously releasing the developing eggs before they are ready to be collected.

Fostimon injections contain the active ingredient urofollitropin, which is a form of a natural sex hormone called follicle stimulating hormone (FSH). It has the same effects as natural FSH and is used in the treatment of infertility. FSH directly affects the ovaries in women, where it increases the number of growing follicles and stimulates their development. Within the follicles are the developing eggs. FSH also increases the production of oestrogen, and under the influence of this hormone, the largest follicle continues to develop. Urofollitropin has the same effects as the natural hormone.

Cyclogest are pessaries contain the active ingredient progesterone, which is a naturally occurring female sex hormone. Progesterone can be used to support early pregnancy in women having in vitro fertilisation (IVF). In this case the pessaries are started on the day of egg retrieval. The progesterone acts on the womb lining and causes it to thicken in preparation for a fertilised egg to implant. The progesterone is continued for 38 days if pregnancy is confirmed. This helps to maintain the pregnancy until the placenta develops fully, when it then takes over the production of progesterone to continue to support the pregnancy.

Doxycycline is an antibiotics to prevent infection from the retrieval and to ensure that the uterus is free of bacteria before embryo transfer.

Gonasi – Is a brand name for HCG which is a pregnancy hormone produced by the placenta that encourages the production of progesterone, it is used as part of the hormonal regime for IVF. It is used to produce the reaction needed prior to egg collection and should be given at a specific time as determined by the egg collection time. It causes further stimulation to the ovaries.

I have not looked up the side effects of any of the medication as I am freaking out enough! Since being on the Microgynon I have felt so sick and my boobs are so tender . I have 5 days left to take and then its injection time on the 11th.

I called the ACU as I was unsure if I had to take anything with me for the 11th and they advised I needed to bring my needles, Buserelin and Fostimon, again another irritation arose in me as if I had not called them I would not of known . Another Microgynon side effect, irritation !

Signing off now to go and get irritated by a cardboard box or something just as petty….

So my blog post is a week early, well this is because I got my period ! I was totally shocked after nearly a year of it hiding away it came and got me ten fold! My mind started going into over drive , so many questions, how long before we start the injections? Will hubby be in the country for embryo transfer?  Saturday night was spent googling and re- reading my Zita West book ! As it occurred on a weekend I couldn’t call the ACU, well I could ring the emergency number but was it an emergency? In my head it was !

I called the unit on Monday morning and spoke to my fertility nurse, she advised I would start the pill protocol which means I would take the contraceptive pill for 3 weeks, this is so the Dr’s have complete control over my cycle and no surprises occur.

The day after the i take the last pill I have an appointment for a scan and to be shown how to self administer Buserelin  which is the drug that switches your ovaries off, you continue this for 10 days and have a scan after 10 days to ensure the ovaries are adequately inactive and then you start the stimulation drugs as which wakes the ovaries up and ensures the follicles are full of eggs, I wont go into more detail until I have my injection appointment in case I get the info wrong. ! The nurse advised the drugs and sharps bin will be delivered to me but I needed to go to the hospital and collect the pill which was fine as I feel so comfortable there, they are all so lovely and the nurse said egg collection and embryo transfer could be the first two weeks of may providing everything goes to plan!

I got home and googled more (of course I did !) and the injection seems ok to administer ,  side effects are varied and not the same for all plus I can have the odd tipple on them which I may need !

I feel like I can relax a bit now, my body seems to be playing ball finally, I know what the plan is , I have dates to aim for and things to plan for.

Maybe that positive is in sight….

 

 

As I walked into the Gynae unit I saw lots of ladies coming out with the brightly coloured folders you get when you have had your 12 week scan, which I am sure just contain bits of paperwork but at that moment all I wanted was one of those folders, it felt like a big siren saying “I have a folder , I am pregnant ner ner ner !” Which it totally was not but at the time it felt that way .  Every time I go in I feel deflated turning left instead of right but this is the journey that has been chosen for us.

I went to the scan alone as hubby had to work, he felt really bad but I understand , he wont be able to make every appointment he needs to earn a living to pay for our future ! As long as he is around for the vital ones, as there are certain things that cannot take place without him if you catch my drift ! He is also away on business twice this month so lets hope all the dates line up !

I always get a bit nervous when I have an internal, I think its a deeper issue from when I had the internal scan and they couldn’t find the heartbeat for bubba number 1 and I passed out . So now I make sure I am prepared, I wear layers and strip right down! Luckily the Dr understands.

Dr Z started the scan, she advised that my womb lining had thickened to 4.2mm from 1.8mm however the desired thickness is at least 8mm. She explained that this is still due to the two procedures I had when I had my two miscarriages. Dr Z also said that I still had a really good amount of follicles on each ovary and I had recently ovulated from my left side. Dr Z advised that we should wait two weeks and see if I have a period, if no period I do a pregnancy test as she said there is no reason I could not be pregnant , the only risk would be the lining still too thin for the embryo to take. If the pregnancy test is negative and I still have not had a period I need to take a 5 day course of tablets which will give a withdrawal bleed, I then make an appointment and go in to start the IVF medication which consists of tablets for 3 days and then 10-12 days worth of self administered injections and after that we then go in and see if the meds have made the follicles even juicier and an appointment is made for egg retrieval. I did have to ask her to repeat this 3 times as wanted to make sure I got it right ! In my head its two weeks, two weeks then either way we have progress.

Of course in everyone’s eyes if I were pregnant that would be the best outcome, in my head I am so nervous of this, what if I am and there is more chromosomal issues. At least with IVF , whilst there is a risk of miscarriage you know the embryos they are putting in are all ok. Its crazy the way your mind works after one miscarriage let alone two.

So we wait, but hey its what we are used to .