Searching for a positive

We went for the results of the procedure and for next steps. Since the procedure I had not been feeling great, the bleeding had not stopped so two weeks on i was pretty anxious.

We were called in by Dr Z who advised that Dr D was in theatre, she asked how I was feeling and I explained the bleeding was still on going,she then asked “did we not give you a tablet to stop a cycle coming on?” I told her that they didn’t and she looked a bit taken aback .  Dr Z  explained that there were a couple of adhesion’s which they dealt with and otherwise all looked OK, she decided the bets thing was to scan me and check the coil was fine and there was nothing to worry about .

The scan showed that the coil was  fine and she said that the coil had done its job and thickened the womb lining which had then shed in form of a cycle. They should of given me the tablets to stop this and then measured the thickness of the womb lining at the follow up ! Dr Z said called Dr D (in theatre!) and asked what she wanted to do and Dr D said to remove the coil as the coil was no longer needed she would remove it and then re-scan me in two weeks to see if everything has balanced out and the womb lining thickens again in line with the cycle days. So I got undressed again and had the coil removed which was not as painful as I thought, but again more rummaging and being prodded and poked which is always rubbish.

Whilst we were frustrated that they hadn’t given me the tablets I needed ( and hubby’s vein in head was working over time again ha !) it was bittersweet as it showed the coil had worked and bought my cycle back so now we cross fingers and hope the next scan shows the womb lining to be thick enough to start the treatment.

I will update after the scan next week .

 

My procedure was in the afternoon which I was a bit frustrated with as its a long few hours to sit around nil by mouth. I tell a lie though as I was supposed to be NBM from 7am and I did have a slice of toast at 9am then totally panicked and text my nurse friend who told me off but said I would be fine.

Off we went to the hospital, now I appreciate the NHS, I think its at breaking point and I believe in a few years time they wont offer IVF on the NHS as its seen as a luxury, just because I appreciate the NHS does not mean I like it, I cannot stand the processes and the red tape that surrounds it .

We arrived at the hospital on time and went to the day surgery ward, there was no reception just a waiting room so we took a seat with around 6 other people waiting. I am still amazed by peoples lack of awareness of their surroundings, there was guy in the waiting room chatting loudly on his phone and another watching a Nigel Farage video on Facebook with the volume loud . I had to bite my tongue and I could see hubby’s vein in the side of his head throbbing already, oh dear its going to be a long few hours i thought to myself!

We only had to wait 10 minutes and the ward manager came in and said (in front of everyone) , the gynae registrar wants to see you, now I am not ashamed of what we are having and indeed writing a blog puts it out there but I thought a ward manager would of had a bit more discretion, I felt like i may as well of had a sign over my head to saying “here to have my bits sorted”

I went an sat down with the registrar who advised that they did not have a bed for me and there was another lady that was having a procedure that would take 4 hours so if they couldn’t find my a bed before they called for her I would not get seen for at least 5 hours or so, she said another option would be to have extended recovery and be discharged from the recovery bay, do you see my issue with the NHS ! She asked me a few details and went through the consent form, whilst we were going through that Dr D called and advised she was ready for me, she also said to the registrar something about fitting a coil (i could hear her on the phone). The registrar added this to the consent form (which i had already signed) but didn’t go into more detail and to be honest I didn’t ask as I was totally bricking it.

The ward manager came in and said they had thought I was having key hole surgery but as I am not they have a bed for me but she would have to admit me at the nurses station and wanted to do it quick in case the other ward sent the patient that needed the 4 hour surgery. So there I was at the nurses station doing my own blood pressure whilst she was fitting me for stockings . She was a lovely nurse who was on her day off, again a NHS flaw.

The ward manager called down to theatre for them to collect me and they hadn’t come so she went and found the porter herself, bless her she really didn’t want me to wait . I gave the hubby a kiss and I was wheeled through the public corridor into the lift, this was due to the theatre lift being broken as it had asbestos in it and apparently the trust wont pay for it to be fixed. Again the NHS…..

I met the anaesthetist who put my cannula in, I still hadn’t seen Dr D, I thought she may of seen me before my procedure but never mind I thought to myself I will see her after.

When I came round I felt vile! I have had a lot of General Anaesthetic’s and this was my third in a year and normally I am fine coming round. My throat was so sore, I felt really sick and my tummy was really hurting.  The nurse gave me some anti sickness and some morphine . After around 30 minutes I was wheeled back to the ward. I still had not seen Dr D, I thought she may of come by to tell me what they had done, found etc but nothing ! The nurse came in and gave me a leaflet on the coil and a sheet of paper which said what I had done but she didn’t explain it, I let google do that for me !

I wanted to get out of there so forced myself to go to the loo and made hubby eat the biscuits they had given me. There was 3 other people on the ward, a girl chatting on her phone , I learnt all about her sons birthday cake , a girl opposite who was having her appendix out she was with her dad and boyfriend and again no respect for others they were loudly swearing, joking etc .  I have a mouth of a sewer at the best of times but I thought they could respect their surroundings!

The nurse agreed to discharge me as long as I had eaten (thanks hubby!) We got home around 7pm which I didn’t think was too bad. I was still smarting over Dr D not coming to see me! I can only put it down to the pressures on the NHS staff however I will ask her why when I see her on the 15th for next steps.

I would like to say I cannot fault the care the nurses give the patients, they are under immense pressure and it shows , but also their desire to care shines through 100 times more than the stress. I blame the people at the top , the people in suits making decisions about a institution that they have probably never spent a day in the life of.

The pain was not great, like a stabbing pain in my tummy but they said to take paracetamol and Ibuprofen . I had also developed a numb tongue and when I looked I had two ulcers on my tongue which can be caused by the blade inserting the tube, great.

I googled why they would fit a coil and found it could be to thicken my womb lining as before Dr D had said my womb lining was thin after the 2 miscarriage procedures so am hoping it will not be in long as it makes me feel nauseous and I hate the idea of something being inside me , its really making me hate my body even more !

A bit of a long post today so if you got this far thank you and I will update after my appointment on the 15th February.

I have realised I have not posted for over two weeks, to be honest not a lot has been going on. I have my date for the hysteroscopy which is next week, they will be putting me under for it thank goodness. I am feeling ok about it, this will be my 3rd time going under in a year which I do not like one bit as that stuff cannot be good for the body. I am also a bit over being prodded and poked in places I only want to be prodded and poked by my hubby, but I know this is just the start and its all for the greater good.

I had some reflexology last night to relax me and the lady is going to treat me when we finally start the IVF treatment, I am very holistic so reflexology is perfect for me.

We became an auntie and uncle on my side which is amazing and again contrary to people’s belief when I had a cuddle of my new nephew I did not wish he was mine, I just felt amazing love and lots of hope.

We are going away for a 2 day break with our best friends this weekend and I am going to really let my hair down as it could be the last time I get to before treatment starts. I think it’s just what we need.

I will post again after the procedure, I should have recovered from the hangover by then!

Thanks again for stopping by 🙂

2017 is upon us and we enter the new year pretty much the same as 2016 and 2015 full of hope .

Christmas was good we had a toast to our babies in the sky on Christmas day  and went for a lovely walk with my brother and sister-in-law, on New Years Eve we had our closest friends and family over , I had a bit of a cry after midnight but that was gin fuelled so everything felt 10 times worse. I am not one for New Year’s resolutions as I think it’s easier to wait a bit then commit to something, for example I gave up smoking on the 29th January 2015 as felt less pressure if I failed, however I haven’t touched a cigarette since that day.

I was asked at work if I would be interested in taking on a different responsibility,  it would involve some complex learning on my part as is more specialist than what I do at present. I did say yes but then after talking to the husband I felt a bit guilty, what if they invest time training me for me to then leave for maternity.I know lots of women would keep quiet but I felt I had to be honest so I pulled my (male) manager aside and explained the situation , I also told him that if there was anyone else suited I would not take offence, his response really hit home ” you are still my first choice and I wouldn’t look for someone else on the basis that you may or may not be going on maternity in a year”

I thought to myself he is absolutely right, I should not be pinning all my hopes on this working, it is hard not to though.  Some days it’s all I think about , normally I am positive and other days I am totally despondent and a bit woeful, why us, why can’t my body be normal and just work.

For me 2017 is the year of determination, I am determined to make the best of whatever this year throws at us, I am determined to make sure my husband knows that I love him no matter what, baby or no baby, I am determined to invest more time and energy into the amazing friends and family we have surrounding us and I am determined to be thankful that I am healthy, loved and content and the absence of  2  blue lines will never change that.

 

 

Nope, not the two blue lines type of positive I am afraid but some good news all the same.

A coupe of weeks ago I emailed the Practice Manager for our GP surgery, I was honest and advised our situation and asked if she could speak to the GP partners to see if they would allow us to stay on the register.  I think the whole grey area with boundaries of GP practice’s is very old fashioned, they like you to be on the register of a practice that is near enough for a home visit if you require one. Who has a home visit in this day and age ! I assured them in the email if I was that sick that I needed a home visit I would get a taxi to the surgery or ask someone to take me.

After 2 weeks I chased on a response and received the answer we wanted- The GP partners advised they are happy for us to stay on the register whilst the treatment is going on but we must register at a local practice if I do fall pregnant for my ante natal care which I do understand as its down to budgeting . We are both very relieved and I am glad I was honest.

This time of year is bittersweet, I love Christmas and everything about it, however since miscarriage number 1 its always been tinged with sadness. Baby number 1 would of been due 2nd January 2016 and baby number 2 would of been due January 2017 so you cant help but think what might of been and social media is always a minefield as ever!

Christmas is about kids and I love that our friends with children always include us in in events, celebrations and make a fuss of us at Christmas, but equally  they would never be offended if we declined. We are very blessed to have some amazing kids in our life. This year it will be the hubby, puppy and I. We will raise a glass to our two little angels in the sky, count our blessings that we have each other, our health,our family and friends and say a prayer for the future ahead.

I wish you all a lovely festive period and will write in the new year.

Thank you for reading and following our journey.

 

 

Base line scan day has arrived which means our first experience of the Assisted Conception Unit (ACU). The unit is situated just by the antenatal reception and again somewhere I do not have great memories of.

We went into reception and we were greeted by a lovely receptionist who introduced herself . A nurse came past introduced herself and said the Dr was scanning but we would not be long.  The waiting room was nice, very clean and lots of pictures of babies (mainly twins!) . Whilst we were waiting a couple came out and had just been told they were having twins, it was such a special moment to witness them thanking the staff and hugs all round, contrary to belief when you lose a baby you do not resent anyone else’s happy news it just makes you more determined to have your own, yes it stings and yes at times I have wanted to shut down my facebook account and hide from social media when friends put up pics of their babies, scans, memories but not because I am jealous or resentful but because it makes me sad at times. Life goes on, people have every right to post whatever they want on their social media accounts and because we have suffered I do not expect anyone to hide their happiness or joy,  but that’s the downfall of social media, people (me included) are very quick to publicise their lives and you just have to roll with it and try not to take anything personally or be too sensitive, however it has made me more aware of what I post. Anyway I digress and back to the scan.

We were called in right on time and Dr Z introduced herself, she pulled the curtain around me and hubby and told me to get ready,poor hubby gets the glamorous job of holding my underwear whilst I get changed, I am still flummoxed by this, why not have a little table to put my clothes on or something ! Now internal scans are not nice, they are not painful just uncomfortable and we have not had a great experience of them, in fact I fainted after one due to the intense atmosphere and emotions plus the heat of the room. Both my miscarriages were diagnosed by internal scans , lots of squinting at the screen, willing there to be a heart beat, your mind running 100 mile an hour, thinking you can see something , hoping there is hope, all whilst having a probe inside you is awful , I hate them , hubby hates them but they have to be done.

So Dr Z had a good old look around and she the started explaining that each ovary had a healthy amount of follicles which would produce eggs, she said the lining of my womb is very thin and there is some fluid present. Dr Z thinks this could be down to the two procedures I have had called ERPC’S which stands for the Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception, I do not think I need to elaborate more but this is how our missed miscarriages were dealt with. Dr Z went on to explain that she would think a hysteroscopy (a camera to look closer and yep you guessed it, internally) would be the best way to investigate further and also I would need drugs to try and thicken the womb lining as even if the sperm and egg fertilised there is not a lot of lining for the embryo to stick to. Dr Z said she would speak to Dr D and give me a ring.  Dr Z also advised that this will delay treatment to March or April as the drugs have to last a month.

Walking out I asked hubby how he felt , he is very anti NHS due to the issues we have had and the bad experiences , he said he was happy that the unit were so friendly and organised .

We left the car park and my phone rang and it was Dr Z, she had spoken to Dr D and they have agreed that the hysteroscopy is needed, she advised that she would get the team to call me with some dates to book in , I was very impressed with the speed of response. We will see how long that takes. I am hoping it will be soon  as the follow up is 18th January, however google tells me I may need to be knocked out for the procedure so I hope I get a bit of notice- no pleasing me hey !

I am still awaiting the GP surgery to reply to my email about our address change !

When we started the journey to NHS funded IVF I was quite naive, I did not realise what a minefield it is to try get funding . It is also a huge post code lottery as to whether your local NHS trust provides funding, what the criteria is etc. The National Institute for Health Care and Excellence (NICE) sets guidelines for NHS funded IVF however these do not have to be followed by the individual Clinical Commissioning Group (CCG). I will write more on this soon as it is astonishing.

A bit about CCG’S, most GP practice’s are a member of a CCG, these are the governing bodies of the NHS, the Big Brother of the health world. The CCG’s replaced the primary care trust in 2013 and are responsible for 2/3’s of the NHS budget, clinical commissioning such as mental health services and yep you guessed it IVF funding. The CCG you belong to is based on who your GP is, now the GP you are a patient of is area dependant too, normally we choose the GP closest to our address, but what if we move? There is no strict law on having to move GP’S however the NHS guidelines states you need to be a patient of a practice that is close enough to have a home visit from a GP if needed. My argument to this is not many people have home visits these days and if I was sick my husband, mum, brother or neighbour would take me to the GP.

So our conundrum… when we started the journey we lived in area A, had a local GP who was part of Happyland CCG, we have now moved to area B and are not in our local GP boundary and if we changed GP’S to an area B GP we would fall under a different CCG and that is where it gets messy. Different CCG’S have different criteria for IVF funding and there is a risk that we would have to start all over again which as you can imagine after nearly 3 years on this journey is not an option.
I did some googling and found mixed opinions, option 1; is to not change our address leave a redirection on our mail and they will never know, now I was in favor of this option however the scaredy cat in me was worried they would find out somehow and we would get in serious trouble. Option 2 is to write to the practice and explain the situation and then the GP partners can decide if they are happy to keep us on their register.

We already have been granted the funding so am hoping the latter works, if not it may get messy I have sent my email to the practice manager of Happyland GP surgery and now we wait .

Wow! I have opened the folder containing all of the forms and paperwork that Dr D wanted us to go through and there is so much and it does not seem to be in any order .
I have laid it all out into piles, my pile, his pile and info pile. Hubby has 4 forms to fill in, i have around 15 and the info pile is huge. Some of the forms are quite informative and others are down right scary. There is a form we have to sign in regards to the welfare of the child, we have to declare that we have not had any convictions of child abuse etc, this is because by law UK fertility clinics have to do their best to ensure no child born as a result of fertility treatment is likely to face serious medical, physical or psychological harm. It seems quite harsh and I understand why it needs to be signed but again just another smack in the face , if we conceived naturally we would not have to sign such a form, maybe if all parents to be were held accountable via such a form the world may be a better place !

There is lots of medical consent forms to sign, day surgery forms (for the egg retrieval), each of us has to sign registration forms and we both have to give consent for the freezing of the embryos . There is also form that we have to sign in the event of either of us dying or being mentally unable to make decisions that we agree to our embryos/sperm/eggs being used to create a life. It is something we have never thought of and something we need to discuss before signing. If either of us passed away would we be happy with the other using the embryos and having a child without the other….. I am not so sure.

We currently have another hurdle to deal with at present , I will post about that tomorrow.

The day has finally arrived, we have our first appointment at the Assisted Conception Unit.

Firstly a bit about how long it took to get here, back in August the final tick was placed on the form to say we had fulfilled all the requirements for NHS funded IVF after a 2 year journey. We were told it was an 18 week pathway so to expect to hear from them January time. A few days later we received our letter in the post requesting all sorts of proof; P60’s, wage slip’s, utility bill’s, passport’s and driving licences , all these were required to prove we are entitled to NHS treatment. I posted those off mid September and thought to myself now we can exhale a bit until January.

Walking around  the shops mid October I receive a phone call from a lady at the Assisted Conception Unit advising she is calling to make our first appointment, I was taken aback to say the least so I asked her does that mean we have the funding and she said oh yes sorry I should of said that at the beginning of the call ! No romanticising this! The appointment was made for 28th November earlier than we thought !

I of course googled everything I could think of  prior to the appointment, read blogs , scoured forums but in the end I was so confused by it all.

So off we go to the hospital, we check in at the Gynaecology reception and make our way to the waiting area, we have to walk past the early pregnancy unit which made me sad as the last time we were here we were told that our bubba’s heart was no longer flickering at 10 weeks.

We get called into the consulting room and meet our Doctor, lets call her Dr D. Dr D ask’s about my medical history, this I found frustrating as this was all taken down previously in order to submit our application . Dr D advised that I need to have an internal scan before we can plan treatment as my medical history has thrown a curve ball. She advised that she did not have time to talk through all the treatment plan as we had used the time up on the medical history, again very frustrated. Dr D gave us a sealed folder to take away   which contained forms to fill in and literature to read . Dr D also said we needed to have more blood tests. Hubby is a scaredy cat of needles so grumbled a lot however soon wound his neck in when I told him this is the worst he would need to go through over the next few months !

I will open the folder later and update tomorrow.

 

“At least you can get pregnant”… that is the phrase that a majority of people use when we tell them about our miscarriage’s. The power of those first two words AT LEAST. Every time someone said it I felt like screaming, of course some people just did not know what to say, others genuinely believed that even though we had the loss its OK because AT LEAST we can get pregnant!

2 miscarriage’s in the space of a year after over 2 years of trying to conceive, we had started the process of applying for IVF on the NHS, the process is long, tiresome and repetitive. I am not going to focus on the past and how we got here, we will never forget our two babies we lost and I may reference them in future posts but this blog is to share our journey of NHS funded IVF and our search for a positive.

If we can help one person understand this process better then that is one positive found .

All comments and feedback welcome.