I attended a talk a few weeks ago about IVF and coping with childlessness, it was really interesting , given by a lady who had struggled to conceive naturally. She mentioned that she had been tested positive for Natural Killer Cells known as NK cells. NK cells are sub-types of white blood cells which, as part of the body’s defence mechanism, fight infection. Every organ has particular NK cells to protect it, with the womb having the most. Here, NK cells are set up to help blood supply development to the foetus, and to recognise that foreign cells coming into the body from the father or egg donations are body-friendly. However, if you have a higher number than normal of these NK cells, or they’re more aggressive than is usual, they may attack rather than protect a pregnancy and cause a miscarriage. In some cases, high levels of NK cells can prevent implantation/pregnancy in the first place. It is possible to treat women who have problems with both conception and miscarriage with steroids

She explained that she visited Dr Shehata in his private practice, had the tests was tested positive had the treatment and boom had her IVF baby. One of my friends had told me about these cells before and I was toying with looking into it but this convinced me that I needed this test. All it then took was a google of his name and the article of him helping the lady that had 18 miscarriages to have a baby and that sealed it for me

Our appointment date arrived and we met the man himself, he seemed very charming if  slightly arrogant but I think that was more confidence in his knowledge rather a horrible arrogance. We started talking about our history and he asked me “so when were you diagnosed with Polycystic ovaries?” I told him I have been scanned many times and been told my ovaries are fine, he then said “no you definitely have them” again I said there is no way I can have , the amount of Dr’s that have had a good old look around my reproductive system and not one has said I have Polycystic ovaries! He told me he wanted to scan me to make sure as he was convinced.  So an additional £225 for the scan which I was not prepared for mentally. I have an issue with scans since the miscarriages it fills me with fear, I go hot and want to pass out, anyway I took a deep breath and got ready.  Up on the screen he showed my left ovary and started pointing out black dots, “yes there they are the cysts” said the Dr, I could not believe it, 7 cysts on the left ovary! On to the right one, 13 cysts! So after all these years I have had this syndrome and no one has ever noticed it . This explains why it has taken us so long to fall pregnant each time.

We went through our options as having PCOS would not be the cause of miscarriage. He asked why I had not been referred on the NHS for investigation into the miscarriage and I told him I was advised we needed to have 3 before this, he said this was completely incorrect and whoever told me that was ignorant. 75% of the tests he offered privately we could have on the NHS! So we were left with more decisions, we could have the tests for NK cells and various other ones privately with him and that would be around £2400 ( adding on the consultation fee with him of £325 then the scan of £225 and the extra £50 he charged for the extra 15 mins we had with him!) or we could get referred to him via the NHS  (he is the head of women’s health for our local NHS service) which would be around February/ March and have the tests and pay for the extra ones. His health care assistant showed us to the waiting area and said she would let us decide. It felt a bit like a sales pitch and a bit pressured but I suppose it is his business. Also he told us about something called Inofolic which can help PCOS .

I was worried as my initial thought wasn’t yep lets do it, it was more like nearly £3000 what if the tests all come back clear! Did that mean I didn’t want it enough? We decided we couldn’t make the decision there and then cancelled our follow up and told them we would be in touch.

Our heads were whirring, hubby furious after so many years under gynae care and no one spotted I had PCOS ! We had a chat and I still wanted to go ahead with the IVF frozen transfer, hubby said he did too but would rather do so without medical intervention and all the tests for the NK cells. So we have made a plan, we proceed with the frozen transfer in January, if that doesn’t work we start on the Inofolic and try naturally again no tests, if after a couple years of trying then still nothing we reassess. I have always had in my head I don’t want to be giving birth at 40 its just personal preference . We also don’t want to be that couple that has had multiple miscarriages so if god forbid history repeats itself we stop and close the chapter on having kids.

I am bloody lucky that I have an amazing husband and a great marriage that doesn’t need to have kids to make it complete, we have each other, our dogs, amazing god kids, nephews and friends so if that’s what our fate is then there are worse places I could imagine being in

Will report back in December once we start getting ready for the frozen transfer!

Apologies for the lack of blog posts. For those that have been reading our journey we made a decision to take a year off , be us , have fun, laugh and remember who we were before everything. Try and shake that label off we had given ourselves as the couple that lost two babies, the couple that IVF failed, the couple that don’t have kids.

Its been an amazing few months, we have been on holidays, spent time discovering us again and had a lot of fun! Our fur babies are forever embedded in our lives and our hearts and have helped us so much . I am really enjoying working full time again. I am also volunteering for two charities which keeps me busy and I think I am back to the old Hayley. My friendships that I cherish so much have strengthened and I feel that I am on top of my shit at last! Of course I get the twinges of sadness, the sad feelings always appear when scrolling through social media and seeing someone else has had a baby or is pregnant but I dont’ take it all so personally anymore, that is their journey and this is ours.

We had a letter from the hospital in May telling us it was a year since freezing and long story short we either pay for another year of storage of the embabies get destroyed. It was not as harsh as that but quite to the point which I suppose in medical world is normal. We paid the storage fee and decided it was now time to address the issue of Elsa and Olaf in the freezer. We made a nurses appointment at the ACU and went this week to find out what happens next. Nurse M saw us and she said to me “you look fab you have lost weight” I felt like saying ” I should hope so love, last time you saw me I was carrying 5 litres extra fluid and looked like a weeble!” Anyway, she told us that I would need to have a medicated cycle which involves going on the Buserelin for 2 weeks to suppress the pituitary gland so no ovulation occurs and then on HRT and pessaries to thicken the lining (joys!) She said I could come off the pill and wait for my first full cycle after the pill then we can start after, that is if my cycle comes back. 80% of embabies survive the thaw and ours are not great quality so she said that they would prefer to put two in. I am happy with that because if it doesn’t work then its done we can close the chapter on IVF and decide whats going on after that but if it does work and they both stick…. well that is when hubby will pass out !

After the appointment I started to panic, am I ready for it, do I still want to be a mum? I think when you do not have the luxury of getting pregnant with not a lot of effort or hardship then it makes you overthink it, you have more time to doubt yourself and your destiny.  After having a think I said to hubby why don’t try take some control back, lets not rush it. If we can dictate lets try. So we have decided to come off the pill in October and hopefully have November and December to get ready and then fingers crossed have the transfer in January. Selfish maybe but if I can have a very drunken Christmas and new year then I will because maybe, just maybe it will all be a very different Christmas 2019.

Watch this space…

So sorry for being AWOL for the past 5 months. I slowly recovered from the OHSS and the clinic advised me to contact them as soon as my cycle came back. Up until August it had not reappeared. Hubby and I had previously discussed having the frozen transfer towards the end of September, we had a holiday booked and thought it would be good to come back refreshed , rested and ready to go, but something was not sitting right with me, you know when you have that niggle in your brain, that voice that you try and ignore, when you pretend you want one thing but that little voice is saying no you don’t ? Well that is what was happening to me.  I had just had enough, I was over my body letting me down, two miscarriages, two embabies in the freezer after my body again let me down with the OHSS, I felt ugly, the weight I had gained with the OHSS I was struggling to shift, I just wanted it all to do one. Hubby kept asking about the transfer and if I had called the clinic to sort out the appointment about my cycle not coming back, I kept making excuses.

Its the worst feeling ever not being on the same page as your partner, throughout our 7 years we have always been on the same path together wanted our lives to go the same way and wanted the same things for our life so it scared the hell out of me that maybe this time we weren’t , I  was worried what it would do, the impact it would have once I said those words.  In the end it came out in such a weird way, we were driving back from food shopping and hubby said “are you going to ring the clinic about your periods” and I said “yes I will soon” and he said “no you won’t you have been making excuses for weeks whats wrong?” . It all came out how I just didn’t feel invested into having a baby anymore, that I feel its me that is letting us down and I have had enough of being prodded, poked to be deflated and I don’t think I could mentally handle the embabies not taking, it would be too much for me to deal with. I explained that I am not saying never I am just saying not right now, can we take a break let my body heal, let us be us and not that couple that had 2 miscarriages, that couple that are having IVF, can we just be us again. Hubby agreed, I could tell he was disappointed but his concern was that we may regret not having a baby in the future. I reassured him that I am just saying lets just rest who knows how I will feel in a year, he was upset I had not told him but understood my concerns about us not being on the same page and he said he did feel the same at the moment, he was great and told me he loves me for me not for whether we have a baby or not .

So there we are , I have gone back on the pill, we have booked a holiday to Disney World for next year, I have gone back to work full time. Working part time served its purpose for our life at the time but again I felt like something has died in me for the past year or so , like I didn’t add value to our marriage , like I couldn’t add value to friendships, like I was living in this childless woman bubble, I put too much pressure on myself and especially my friendships, getting irritated by people not putting the same effort into contact that I did but this was due to me having the time to do it, I have realised this now I am constantly busy ! I started to resent my friends that did “mummy” things and didn’t invite me, I started to become bitter and this was due to having time on my hands.

I have been back working full time for 3 months now and hubby says I have my spark back we are in an amazing place with our amazing puppies and great family and friends. I have been healthy eating and lost nearly a stone, I feel like the old me again. Its ironic that I am writing this on the last day of baby loss awareness week. I will be lighting my candle at 7pm tonight for our babies that we never got to hold and for all the angels in the sky.

So for now as the picture says its time to pause , breathe, repair my universe and proceed.

Thanks for reading

Well Dr D as right, I did get worse. Its such a hard thing to explain, you go from feeling ok to not being able to lift your head kind of like the flu and a hangover all in one. My legs felt achy just walking down stairs but I was conscious I still needed to move every hour . My stomach is disgusting,bloated and covered in bruises from the anti clotting injections, we are running out of space!

My week did perk up with a special delivery from my 3 best friends, a bag filled with my favourite chocolates, sweets , dry shampoo, bath stuff , magazines and a candle. Along with a lovely card. It was really thoughtful and did a good job in making me smile. I know lots of people that go through the IVF process keep it quiet but without my friends love and support I think I would of stressed hubby out to the max , moaning at him all the time ! The girls have made this process easier .

I called in with my stats and Dr D called in and asked me to go in the next day for a scan and more bloods. My mum was here, she is a god send, she came over looked after me and our two puppies, she made soup, cleaned and ironed. I guess no matter how old you always need your mum. I hope one day I can be there for our child like my mum has been there for us. She is our rock.

I went in for the scan the next day and Dr Z decided she wanted to do an internal. Bring on the dildo cam !  She said that there was still a build up of fluid but it had reduced, my ovaries had reduced also. I told her I had started spotting as well and she said that was good as when my period starts this will all go away !

On the way home in the car Dr Z called and said Dr D wanted to see me the next day for more bloods and to decide whether to drain the fluid or not . I really didn’t want the fluid drained as this would involve either a tap in my abdomen or via a needle vaginally but would mean a hospital stay , no thank you !

I went back to the hospital today, Dr D met me and said I looked perkier, I did feel a bit better. She said that my bloods were marginally better than two days prior , she said that she thinks I am on the plateau now as only had retained 500ml of fluid after a 1500ml intake.  Dr D is confident that by Monday I will be feeling much better, I need to call in and give my stats and symptoms and take it from there.  My blood pressure was low so I had to stay at the hospital until it got better.

Nurse L looked after me and we were talking about the transfer not happening and how hubby was right (shhh) , Nurse L said that it has been really nice to see how much hubby has been there for me, she said she can see the love and care in his eyes and just by his body language and the way he talks she knows I am his world. That made me emotional as I am so lucky, this process is heavily focused on the female and that is not right but its the way it is, not much thought is given to the man, how he feels and how hard it is for him and my hubby has always put me first, never grumbling (apart from NHS wait times and blood tests!) He doesn’t really have anyone to talk to about it, he has friends of course but I think its harder for men to talk about.

I am feeling stir crazy, for over 10 days I have either been at home or the hospital , hubby has agreed if I rest tomorrow we can go out on sunday for a couple of hours yipee!

Have a lovely weekend

I haven’t updated in 5 days, this is due to literally being on a roller coaster!

After we left Dr D’s office I was feeling fine, I continued to monitor my fluids, peeing into a protein shaker every time ! It became apparent that I was retaining a litre of fluid in the first 24 hours!  I wont give a day by day account of what has happened but I have realised that hubby was right to get his own way for once (!) by convincing me not to do the transfer. I took a big decline over the weekend, I bloated out, felt exhausted, not hungry and looked and still do pregnant which is ironic!

Dr D called me Friday and advised that my bloods were fine however the fluid retention I had definitely showed mild signs of OHSS also the scan I had of my ovaries showed they were quite enlarged. She advised that if I had any breathing difficulties, pain in arm or shoulder to ring the gynae ward for advice or go to A and E as I was at risk of a pulmonary embolism.

On Saturday night I started getting pains in my arm and a pain in my shoulder, just my luck! I called the ward explained my condition and symptoms and was met with a complete pratt who said “this is gynae not ACY , I will try find a out of hours contact number and call you back but other than that I don’t know what to tell you darling!” , needless to say I am still waiting for that call ! Hubby decided we should go to A and E to be on the safe side. I wont give a blow by blow account of my 6 hours in A and E but some key highlights were: being asked 3 times by different nurses to do a urine sample when I had done one, being asked how many weeks pregnant I was by a nurse due to my bloated stomach, being talked to like a complete knob by the triage nurse, being put in the wrong cubicle which meant the porter could not find me for a chest X-Ray. The on call Dr checked me over and did bloods he said my D-Dimer level was raised which pointed to a blood clot on the lungs , this obviously scared the crap out of me! He gave me a higher dose of ant clotting meds and said to come back monday for a CT scan and go to Ambulatory care.  The care I have had in A and E does not even compare to the amazing care I have had in ACU and I can only out that down to the pressures the NHS is under especially A and E.

Sunday I rested but was conscious I needed to move around to keep the blood flowing, hubby was great looking after me, I feel so guilty as again its me and my body letting us down and making him worry.

I went back to the hospital Monday firstly to ACU, I broke down when i saw Nurse L and told her what happened, she wasn’t happy about Nurse Pratt and said she would talk to the ward manager, she advised me to go get my CT and come back later. I went to get my CT in ambulatory care, the Dr put a canula into my vein on my hand and it was awful I came over hot , clammy and had to sit on the floor as nearly passed out! When I went for the CT scan and the injected the saline I screamed as I felt the vein bulge and it was so painful! CT scan came back clear thank goodness so heaven knows why the level was raised. Dr Z saw me after in ACU and said bloods were ok and to come back today for more bloods and a scan. I had started to feel better, managed to eat half a steak and some mac and cheese and had a bit more energy, “this is great ” I said to hubby “I must be over the peak now as feel pretty ok” , or so I thought.

I woke up this morning feeling good  with a bit more energy , I slept well.  My tummy was still bloated but other than that I was ok. I drove myself to the hospital got bloods , had a coffee and some toast and then went to ACU. When I arrived I spoke to the receptionist and thanked her for everything, I said that the care we have had has been amazing and they have made this traumatic time a bit easier, nothing has been too much, they have fitted me in, called me daily and given me a hugs when needed. She was so grateful and gave me a hug and said that it means so much to hear something so nice. Dr Z scanned me and I told her the same, she said I had made her day. She said my ovaries were still enlarged but had shrank a fraction and that all the fluid in the womb area had gone so she thought this could be the start of the end .

I got home and started to feel unwell, shaky, hot achy! Oh great here we go again! I had a lay down and Dr D the deliverer of doom called! She said my bloods have shown the OHSS is worsening and I am in for a rubbish couple of days, she said that it will peak by thursday and I should be better by the weekend.  I did not think I could feel any worse! She said I was to call in the morning with my fluid stats and symptoms and she will decide if she needs to see me. I have felt vile for most of the day but have perked up a bit so thought I would take the opportunity to write this before I crash again.

Who knows what tomorrow brings but the lesson of the week is always listen to your husband at least once in your marriage 🙂

I woke up feeling lots better today, I managed to sleep through the night and the pain had gone. I was feeling really positive that the transfer would go ahead .

We arrived at the hospital early as I needed to get bloods done before hand and after yesterdays hour wait I wanted to ensure there was enough time before our ACU appointment. Luckily I only had to wait 30 minutes. We went to the ACU and the ladies said I looked lots better than yesterday. Dr Z scanned me and said that the fluid was still there and also my ovaries were measuring 7.9cm wide which she said is on the large side but anything over 8 would be classed as moderate OHSS. Dr Z said my bloods were all normal so another positive!

Dr Z went off to get Dr D and they both took us into a consulting room. Dr D explained that I definitely have mild OHSS this is backed up by the scan and  based on my fluid input and output I have retained around half a litre of fluid in 24 hours which isn’t great. Dr D explained that the embryos had not changed since yesterday no better, no worse , she said we had a few options, we could go ahead with the transfer but there is a high chance that if the embryo’s implanted and I became pregnant I would most certainly get a second wave of the OHSS and become hospitalised for several weeks, the second option is that we freeze the only embryo that’s strong enough for the freeze process and there is a 90% chance of it surviving thaw , the third option is that we wait until Saturday and see if I improve however the embryos in their current state wouldn’t get better and we could possibly lose them. I immediately said to do the transfer, this road has taken us a bloody long time and a lot of heartache to get to this stage and I wanted to see it through to the end, I didnt care about my health I just want to be a mum ! Hubby was the opposite he doesn’t want to risk my health and wanted to do the freeze and if we lose the embaby on the thaw then it was not to be. Dr D was very blunt with me in regards to the moderate and severe OHSS, she said just because I feel ok today I will probably get worse and could be admitted into hospital in the next 5 days and she said if I do get pregnant and end up in hospital for weeks with a tap in my abdomen draining fluid, not being able to breath properly, not able to lay down flat and only eating two mouthfuls of food before feeling full would I regret having the transfer? I looked at hubby and could see the worry in his eyes and the realisation hit me, this is not just my journey, its my hubby’s , its our families, its our friends ,its even our two dogs journey and I dont think I could intentionally put them through seeing me in pain and in hospital let alone the car park charges !

If we had another one or two embryos that could of been frozen I would have been more comfortable with the decision but that’s the not hand we have been dealt so I informed Dr D to freeze the one embaby.  I think she was relieved, she was not allowed to tell us what to do but she said she is glad that we decided on the freeze option. She ordered me to have lots of bed rest and 10 days off work. I would still need to call in everyday with my fluid input and output and weight and need bloods every two days and if things do change I will need to go in.

We left the hospital and I think we both felt a bit of relief amongst our sadness, the decision was really made for us with me having the OHSS  and if this is the start of the end of our journey so be it, we have each other and that will never change. I have always said that my story was complete the day I married my husband and having a child would be an extra chapter , it doesn’t define us, it doesn’t complete us , yes it bloody hurts and yes we would love to be parents but right now we have each other, we have our two dogs, amazing friends and family and that one little fighter embaby in the freezer and at this moment in time that is all we need.

Thank you for sharing our journey, your messages of support have been amazing I will continue to blog until the OHSS has gone and then take a break until we decide to defrost.

I was not going to write a blog post today, but I realised that it really helps me relay my feelings and it would not be a true account if I did not report everything even the really crappy stuff.

The pain I was getting intensified, my whole stomach bloated out and felt really tight and I was finding it hard to take deep breaths, hubby wanted me to go to A and E but I convinced him to let me sleep on it and see how I was in the morning. I had such a bad nights sleep, I could not get comfortable , the pain was really bad . In the morning we decided to call the clinic, whilst I was dialling I got a call from the embryologist they advised that overnight all the embryos had made it however some had split into 2 cells, some 3 cells and some 4 cells. Ideally at 48 hours they should be a 4 cell division, she explained that there were two clear leaders and she would recommend doing a day 3 transfer (tomorrow) and due to the grade of the two strongest embryos she said we should have both transferred. A 3 day transfer is good however the preferred is a 5 day As you can imagine I was in shock and really disappointed, whilst she was on the phone I told her about my physical state and she said I should come down immediately.

We arrived at the ACU and Nurse L took us into a room , I told her how I was feeling and she took my blood pressure and temperature , they made me a cuppa and said to try relax a bit before sending me to get bloods done. They really are amazing there, you feel like you are in a private clinic and get treated like a person not a number. I could not stand upright so hubby had to carry me to get bloods done, we had to wait an hour before I was called to get my blood taken, hubby was very angry at the wait but he is always is, especially with NHS wait times.  We went back to ACU and Dr D was waiting for us, she explained that she thinks I have the onset of a condition called OHSS short for Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome.

OHSS  is a condition where ovaries over respond to the hormone injections used to stimulate the growth of the follicles that contain the eggs . Overstimulated ovaries enlarge and release chemicals into the bloodstream. Fluid from the blood vessels leaks into your abdomen and in severe cases into the space around the heart and lungs. OHSS can affect the kidneys, liver and lungs. There are different levels of OHSS, mild , moderate and severe, Dr D advised that with OHSS its like a rollercoaster you will feel awful then ok then awful again and if you have a pregnancy via IVF the OHSS will come back. Whilst she could not confirm I had OHSS she said my symptoms were in line with it and decided to scan me. The scan showed a small amount of fluid around my ovaries .

Dr D advised that they would need to see my bloods and also see how I go over night, she gave me an anti clotting injection and said I need to monitor my fluid intake and urine output. She was very matter of fact that if this is OHSS then I am going to feel even more shocking than I do and there is no way the transfer could go ahead so the option would be to freeze the good embryos and put them in at a later date however she would need to speak to the embryologist. She came back and saidthat unfortunately out of the strongest two one is barely freezable and the other is not suitable for freezing so we need to prepare ourselves that if this is OHSS then we could potentially lose all our embryos. Our glimmer of hope is that they get better overnight (please god) or that I don’t have OHSS.  We went off to get my meds (2 hour wait!) and then went home, we were at the hospital over 5 hours and 3 of those were due to having to wait for bloods and the pharmacy! Don’t get hubby started on that!

I had a good cry when I got home, I felt and still dolike a failure, like I could of done more to get the embryos to better quality, I mean how can we go from 15 to 9 to maybe 0!  I know its not over yet but even if I do not have the ohss and the two strongest ones survive and we have them put in we wont have any to freeze . I know you only need one to make it but I would of felt better to have a comfort blanket. Hubby has been amazing and said whatever happens we have each other. We got home and I started going through all the paperwork , I wanted to know if we come away with no embryos do we get another go on the NHS. The answer is no. So this could really be the most crucial few hours we will go through in this whole process so far.

Maybe this is our journey, maybe this is supposed to happen, at the momentI am not feeling to philosophical however someone send me the pic above today and it gave me food for thought.

Until tomorrow

I did not write a post about the trigger injection as it was all quite straight forward, we went for dinner and I sloped off to the toilet and did it in there. It was a relief to know that was my final injection!

I did not really sleep the night before egg collection, so many things whirring around my head, we had a really nice day over a friends for a bbq and it was the perfect way to relax before egg collection surrounded by our best friends.

We had to be at the hospital for 8 so were up early, we went straight to the ward and were admitted quickly.  The nurse that admitted me advised I was first up which was good, I met the anaesthetist who ran through the check list ,  a nurse from ACU came to see me and said she was going to be with me in theatre and then also Dr D came, who I hadn’t seen since my first appointment many months ago. Dr D said that there were at least 11 follicles that looked promising. Hubby had to go off to ACU to do his job and then when he came back I would be gone but he would need to take the incubator down to ACU with my eggs in as there is a very small time frame where everything has to be completed. As hubby went, he was feeling very anxious bless him. I got into my gown and they came to get me to take me to theatre.  There were quite a few people in theatre all milling around me, it felt like I was an onlooker it was so weird.  The anaesthetist put the plastic applicator in the back of my hand and I had a mask over my mouth which they said was oxygen but I never believe them it smelt vile and off I went to the land of sleep.

I came round in recovery and was immediately sick which is very unlike me , the recovery nurse gave me a quick shot of ant sickness and asked how much pain I was in. At that time it was around a 7 out of 10 so she got me some warm blankets and gave me some pain meds and I laid down. I looked at the clock at it was 9.25am so all in all in could of only taken 15 minutes. Whilst I was laid down they had a radio playing and our first dance from our wedding came on, it was so spooky and I had a cry, silly cow  that I am!

I went back up to the ward and the nurse said she would fetch hubby and told me to rest for 15 mins then she would bring me a cuppa and some biscuits. Hubby came back and said all went well his end and the incubator had been delivered.  Once the nurse was happy I had eaten, drank and been to the loo I was allowed to go. The pain was still quite strong but she said paracetamol and Ibuprofen can be taken and a hot water bottle. After being discharged we popped down to ACU to meet with the embryologist who told us they had got 15 eggs which we were shocked by, she said that it was a really good number to start with, hubbys sperm had been washed and had a good morphology and motility rate too so they will be going ahead with IVF rather than ICSI. She said she would call me the next day to advise how many made it through the night.

We got home and I started to go down hill, I felt clammy and faint and my tummy was really hurting, we rang the clinic who said its all normal and to try and sleep and take pain meds which I did. I think I got in a panic which is why I came over all odd, the pressure of those eggs fertilising was playing on my mind .

I took some antibiotics which they recommend after surgery and then before bed the bit I was dreading, progesterone pessaries . The pessaries are needed to keep the womb lining thick and ripe for implantation, the recommend these are done rectally , I had read online that just before bed is ideal as you need gravity on your side so poor hubby was up again for the job! Anyway he did a sterling job bless him and I managed to retain them ha , I think our relationship knows no bounds ! I did not sleep a wink, I was exhausted but my brain would not give in.

I woke up this morning hopeful that we would have good news, my tummy was and still is so tender and I feel drained, I was due in at work at 10 which I was not looking forward to. The embryologist called at 9am and advised that 9 eggs had been fertilised, 3 eggs had fertilised but with abnormalities which could be fragmented cells or nuclei, 1 egg fertilised but died off , 1 egg didn’t fertilise at all and the remaining egg fertilised but is very poor quality. The embryologist advised 9 is a great number to continue on with and she would update me again tomorrow to let me know how the 9 were progressing and make a call on egg transfer date. She told me I should rest and not go to work and I needed to be in top condition for the transfer. I felt staying at home would drive me mad so opted to go in.  I came off the phone very happy and rang hubby with the news and also told my best girl friends, these girls are my rocks as I have said in the past and are all genuinely interested in the IVF process and are my cheerleaders ! I had in my head that if we would make it through the night with 7 eggs I would be happy so 9 is great!

I went into work and they have been great, I work part time for a major supermarket chain and they have been very accommodating. I was given light duties today and have been told that If at any time over the next few weeks I need to relax or feel rough I must call in sick. They also pay me for time off for all my IVF appointments. I finished work exhausted, came home and had a nap and thought I would update you all!

I will blog tomorrow, lets pray for the 9 eggs to keep growing !

 I woke up feeling a better than I had been feeling the past couple of days. It was quite busy at the ACU when we arrived, one man had bought in some eggs in a cannister and another guy was just coming out of the “mens room”. The men’s room is where the guys go to do their bit in the process. I had a funny five minutes winding hubby up about it. The room has a leather chair, a TV and some “magazines” I told him not to sit on the chair in case its sticky ha ha !

We got called in for our scan it was Nurse M today not the other grumpy one. There was another Nurse that I had not met before who was lovely.  The womb lining was measured first, hubby and I had a bet on how thick the womb lining would be, he guessed 6.5mm and I guessed 7mm , the womb lining needed to be at least 6mm for the embryo to implant when we reach that stage. The lining was 6.9mm so I won and we were both elated with the thickness ! The right ovary was checked first which originally had the less of the two, there were more again she counted 10 follicles, but 6 were under 10mm. The left ovary looked lots better with 14 follicles none were under 10mm and quite a few were over 12mm.  Between 15mm and 20mm is classed as a mature follicle and gives a better chance of having an egg inside it.  Both nurses were happy for us to go ahead on Monday for the egg collection , woop! That means we still have 3 days for them to grow even more. Nurse M advised that they will drain every follicle even the little ones of fluid in case there is an egg in there.

Nurse M took us into another room to go through paperwork and the plan for Monday . I have to  give myself a “trigger shot” exactly 36 hours before egg collection, The “trigger shot” is essentially a dose of Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG), a pregnancy hormone produced by the placenta that encourages the production of progesterone. It basically makes the body ready to ovulate. I have to arrive at the clinic 8am on Monday and report to a different ward who will admit me, at 830am hubby has to go back to the ACU to make his contribution, once done he can come back to the ward and I should go down to theatre around 9am, I will be under general anaesthetic for the procedure which should take around 30mins and I can go home around an hour after to rest . We have to stop by the ACU before leaving so they can tell us how many eggs they collected.

Nurse M told hubby he has to ejaculate 36 hours before and then abstain until Monday, he went so red it was hilarious !

On a negative note I have put on a bit of weight from the meds, my night sweats are still vile and I am like medusa with my moods! Lucky hubby. That aside we are really positive for the next step. We will have a chilled weekend ready for an early start Monday.

Have a great weekend

Scan day again and we were feeling really positive, I had been getting quite a bit of pain where my ovaries are and lower back pain which I had hoped were good signs.

Arrived at the hospital and it was Nurse L th
at was going to be scanning us, I had not seen her for a couple weeks as she had been on leave . God was she grumpy today ! She asked hubby to write down the measurements of the follicles as she called them off as there were supposed to be two of them in the room but staff shortages meant that the other nurse had to go help another patient.  I took all my energy not to ask her what her problem was! I think sometimes Nurses and Doctors forget that we are human this means a lot to us, to them I know they have to be clinical but geez some bedside manner would be nice love !

She started with the womb lining, 5.3mm, I immediately knew that this was still too thin, it had thickened since the Monday (4mm) but had to reach 6. When I commented on the womb lining she said “did they talk to you about your womb lining?” and I told her they had not and she did not say a word ! The vagueness drives me crazy! The right ovary had 10 follicles which was an increase from the 4 on Monday and the left had 10 which was an increase from the 6 on Monday so I have double the amount of follicles however the new ones need to grow some more to make them viable to potentially have an egg in and the older ones need a bit more of a spurt. I am really happy with the amount of follicles however its about quality not quantity so am hoping for some good eggs to be retrieved. Nurse L said we were not quite ready for egg collection Friday and to come back Friday for another scan and plan for collection Monday. I asked for more meds as we had ran out of the FSH medication which she grumpily gave me and I also asked for a new sharps bin as ours was full up and she said they did not have any and to put the needles in a plastic container and then transfer to their sharps bin on Friday, lovely!
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We left and I was a bit upset, I felt totally deflated, I had in my head Friday for egg collection and was so positive and focused on Friday that the wind was completely taken out of my sails. Hubby tried to cheer me up and even stopped off at the golden arches on the way home and got me a Sausage McMuffin ! I think I was running on auto pilot, I have not been sleeping well and felt like everything had hit me at once. I said to hubby I feel like a snowman whose body has melted and head is just about in tact.

Hubby put me on the sofa with a duvet , a packet of choccy biscuits, our two puppies and the Kardashians on TV.  I spent the rest of the day snoozing and desperately trying to keep searching for the positive, I understand that this is by no means a big step back and just a little delay but I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to tick every box and I am coming to realise that the IVF journey is anything but a standard process!

Until Friday….